Dirty Words!

Good morning, good morning!  What are you thinking about this morning?  I was thinking about dirty words.  They do not serve any sort of useful purpose in my life when used carelessly.  At first I was going to banish them from my vocabulary altogether, but now I think a use of caution is a better route.  Specifically: "never", "always", "deserve", and, the big one, "should".  Yeah, I said it!  Should! 

"Never" and "always" – proceed with caution; they’re broad and vague and can cause a lot of relationship damage: “You never listen to me!”  “Why do you always do that?”  When I use words like these, it is defeating and not helpful.  Do you like to be the recipient of never and always in this context?  I don’t. 

"Deserve" is another one that doesn’t sit well with me.  Who’s to say who deserves what?  Do I “deserve” to win the lottery or, for that matter, have MS?  At best, we all “deserve”, as human beings, certain unalienable rights, as it says in the Declaration of Independence.  It’s not that I think I’m not deserving of good things; but for me it brings with it a certain arrogance that I try to avoid.  I don’t know what anyone deserves.  

The big one for me is "should".  

I"m not a big cat person but I thought this was fuuuuuunny.  Who likes to hear "You know what you should do?"  I mean, I have no problem with suggestions; I probably wouldn't know half the stuff I know if people hadn't helped me look at things in a new way!  But when I hear "She should know better..." or "Well, he SHOULD do that!"; well, according to whom?  These statements are made like they are universal truths but are really just one person's opinion.  That may sound like I'm stating the obvious but I hear it a lot (yeah, from me too!) and it would seem the general population are struggling with the definition of "fact" and "opinion".

"Fact" in relevant context, as described by the Merriam Webster On-Line Dictionary:

• the quality of being actual : actuality <a question of facthinges on evidence>
• an actual occurrence <prove the fact of damage>
• a piece of information presented as having objective reality

The last definition is most relevant: "objective reality".  Objective meaning relating to, or being an object, phenomenon, or condition in the realm of sensible experience independent of individual thought and perceptible by all observers.

Perceptible by all observers.  And facts are few and also relevant to a situation.  Even scientific theories are not 100%.  Water boils at sea level at 100°C or 212° F.  This is an accepted truth but not absolute truth because any scientist knows, based on immeasurable variables, the next time that water is brought to boil, it may be 99 or 101.  Because we can't always be 100% certain of the next outcome.  

There are collective truths - those that many people believe.  And there are personal truths - based on one person's perspective and life experience.  That would be an opinion.

"Opinion"

• a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter
• belief stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge
• a generally held view

"Should" has uses in speculating things for one's self: "I should get dressed today."  "I should not eat that entire bag of marshmallows."  "I should think about what to do with the kids this summer - closet or attic?"  But these are all self directed.  When we start projecting should on others, that's a slippery slope.  It is when we think our singular opinion is a universal truth that leads us to frustration and disappointment.  And who’s got time for that? 

So, instead of projecting my singular views on another person as if they are some sort of universal truth (ummm…they’re not? No.), I’m changing how I approach things: “He should take me to dinner!” became “Hey, let’s go to dinner!” She should pay better attention!” to “Hey, do you understand what I’m saying? Tell me what you heard so I know we’re on the same page.” or “She really should look in the mirror before she leaves the house”, to “Wow! Did you mean to tuck your skirt into the back of your panty hose? Cuz that’s a bold statement if you did.” 

 “Should”, when applied to others, separates us from each other. Asking for what you want, being active in the outcome, if at all possible, is very freeing. 

Should we not have ideals?  Of course!  Imaging things how we would like them to be is the path to fulfillment! It gives us hope.  It helps frame our dreams, aspirations, goals.  But my "should's" apply to me and me alone.  How I feel my world "should" be is dependent on my contribution.  What others should and shouldn't do, I really can't say.  I mean, I can, but as previously addressed, will lead to frustration and disappointment, because I'm not privy to the nuances of another person's mind.  

I asked my kids if they've ever heard a recording of themselves.  There was almost an immediate collective response: "Yeah! I sound weird!"  I then asked them if they could describe what they sound like to themselves so I could understand.  They tried but, in the end, fell short.  I said no matter how well you describe the sound in your head, I will never fully be able to understand what it sounds like.  Not without hearing it myself.  And even then, it would be only my version of what it sounds like: sweet, annoying, harsh, funny, etc.  Trying to completely understand another person's thought process is kind of like that.  I can observe you, speak with you, have you tell me what is on your mind, but I will never be "you".  And you will never be "me".  We are all humans that hold a different beat in the same song.  

As I was leaving my daughter's school this morning, I noticed the trees across the parking lot, swaying in the wind.  There were a wide variety of trees.  And they were all moving.  All moving in the same wind but in different directions, depending on size, shape, location, but all moving to the same breeze in a joyful dance.  What a sight to behold.  If they could, would one tree say to the other "You should really move like me as that is what I understand to be right and it looks nicer."?  I don't think so.  Each tree contributed in their own beautiful way.  

Okay, now I should get dressed and I should pay attention to my kid.  And that's cool because I know what’s going on in MY mind.  Well, for the most part!   Life is complicated enough; just trying to get to the forest through the trees!


MORE Dirty Words:

Deserve

Flaws

FB Post: April 10, 2013

Gooood Morning! What SHOULD you do today?

Once I was telling a friend about my issues with the word “should”. She said, in my family we have a saying: “Don’t “should” on me!” I like that! 
I’ve learned that when I use “should”, as in what I think OTHERS “should” or “shouldn’t” do, just leads to frustration and disappointment. Who’s got time for that? Instead of projecting my singular views on another person as if they are some sort of universal truth (ummm…they’re not? No.), I’m changing how I approach things: “He should take me to dinner!” became “Hey, let’s go to dinner!” She should pay better attention!” to “Hey, do you understand what I’m saying? Tell me what you heard so I know we’re on the same page.” or “She really should look in the mirror before she leaves the house”, to “Wow! Did you mean to tuck your skirt into the back of your panty hose? Cuz that’s a bold statement if you did.”
“Should”, when applied to others, separates us from each other. Asking for what you want, being active in the outcome, if at all possible, is very freeing.
Okay, now I should probably get dressed and I should pay attention to my kid. That’s okay because I know what’s going on in MY mind! Life is complicated enough; just trying to get to the forest through the trees!

Have a great day everyone – bring joy to you!